Enjoying being Home

Psalm 52:9 I will praise you forever for what you have done; in your name I will hope for your name is good. I will praise you in the presence of your saints.

It is so great to be home again. I am full of energy too but my right arm still has the clot so I have to rest quite often because my arm & hand starts to swell, turn slightly bluish, and hurt due to blood flow being obstructed. It is hard for me to take the time to sit and rest. I try to find useful things to do such as bills, checking insurance payments, etc while sitting & resting. I did some housework and watering the yard, etc. The big thing was letting my husband and Brandon go grocery shopping. I enjoy grocery shopping so have not really ever delegated the whole shopping list to anyone. They did okay but there were some sweets that slipped into the basket plus some items completely forgotten even though it was on the list. lol. I got a sweet surprise today. There is an organization that gives away free hats to cancer patients whether kids or adults. I believe it was started with kids in mind but they give to anyone. This organization , called Heavenly Hats, was started by a teenager years ago and is going strong. Anyway, I signed up for a free hat and it came in the mail today. However, it wasn't just one hat but 5 hats!!! One is a baseball hat, 3 are similar but different colors and I love all the colors, and the last one is a very close fitting thin head covering probably really to wear under hats or a wig. I felt so blessed and almost overwhelmed by the goodness of these people. It is amazing all the people out in the world who want to brighten your day. I also received an email from a lady who gives out free scarves to ladies with breast cancer. I had applied and she hadn't heard back from me on which one I wanted. She had sent the first email the day before my chemo and I just never felt well to check it out. Anyway, today I picked one (black and white flowery one). She designed these herself and the one I picked is a 'It's a wrap" and it's silky and costs normally $72!!! And I will get it free!!! Isn't she sweet!!! My drawer is getting quite full of headcoverings. So far, no hair is coming out--yea. I had fun fixing up my hair today--just used the blowdryer and it all feathered back. I like it that way the best. Thanks for checking up on me. It's been a pretty good day. Just wish my arm would be more cooperative with the blood flow. Oh, well, it will get well soon. I am just praising God for His goodness and the blessings he has showered on me. I felt so wrapped in love today when I was looking at the all cards people have sent me. And not just once, but some have sent 2-3 cards. What wonderful and caring family friends (and even strangers) God has surrounded me with. Some of you who I personally don't know have been so sweet in sending encouraging comments on my blog--thanks--they all mean so much to me. I have been touched by love!!!

I John 4:11 Dear Friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.

Home and Haircut

Psalm 72:18-19 Praise be to the Lord God, the God of Israel, who alone does marvelous deeds. Praise be to his glorious name forever; may the whole earth be filled with His glory.

Praise the Lord!!! I was finally dismissed to go home and here I am; at home relaxing!!! I have to stay away from crowds and anyone who might be sick. That means I can't go grocery shopping so my hubby will go for me--yikes!!! :) He says he only wants to buy one week of groceries. I have always bought 2 weeks of groceries at one time. And we are in need of groceries so this evening I will be making a list. It will be interesting for me to come up with a one week grocery list. I also won't be able to go to church either--boohoo.
Last night, I got my hair cut really short. Kim, my hairdresser, was so sweet to come up after hours to the hospital to cut my hair. She put my hair in 2 ponytails and chopped those off so I can donate them to 'Locks of Love" (organization that makes wigs for children). I let her do whatever she wanted with my hair. It was cute. I didn't even cry when my hair was cut--guess I have been thinking about this for a long time so I was ready. My daughter wanted to fix it up when I came home so I let her have fun with it. Who knows what it will look like when I just fix it myself. lol. Today is Chemo Day 11 and many times hair starts to fall out on Day 12 so it could happen to me any day. I am not ready for that since I don't have my wigs styled yet. I hope to have it done next week. Now that I am on blood thinners, I have to be careful not to cut myself and can only use an electric razor to shave (Larry bought me one last night). I have to have my blood monitored closely so lots of needle sticks coming up. Yuck!!! Thanks again for all of your prayers. I am at peace and so happy to be at home again. Oh, by the way, my cats were happy to see me too--they followed me around for about 30 minutes. My kids say they have been 'crying' for me especially at night since they usually sleep with me.

Psalm 69:30 I will praise God's name in song and glorify Him with thanksgiving.

Still in the hospital

I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

As you can tell by my title, I am still in the hospital but there is hope I will get to go home tomorrow. I don't know what God's plans are for me and why I am here but I do know that I am to trust Him for He knows what is best for me. It is hard to understand at times why certain things happen but I do know that God wants us to draw nearer to Him and keep trusting Him no matter what. If my blood is thin enough tomorrow, then I will be able to go home. It's not quite there but getting close. Pray that it is thin enough tomorrow. However, my white blood count is too low so I was put in isolation this afternoon which means the staff and visitors have to wear masks and gloves so that I will be protected from any 'bugs' that would infect me. He really wants the staff to be careful for there are lots of bugs here in the hospital. That also means no more wandering the halls nor getting drinks, cups of ice, etc for myself. Not only am I in the hospital but now I am a prisoner in my own room--lol. Oh, well.....it won't last forever. I called my onocologist's office to let them know that my blood count was drawn today for it was to be done at the office tomorrow. The nurse checked and saw that my count was quite low so was concerned that they didn't order a shot to bring my count up nor start any antibiotices so she was going to talk to the onocologist to see what should be done so who knows what is in store for me. I hope I won't get the neulasta shot for I hear from my online support group that you should take Claritin before taking the shot to cut down the side effect of bone pain--for some reason Claritin works. I don't know if the doctors would order that for me. I don't want that bone pain . Keep praying...God hears.. Today Larry brought me some of my Christian CD's which I have missed. Ahhh, that music is great for I love praising God and music is a great way to praise!! Love you all....

John 14:1 Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, trust also in me.

Hospital Stay

Psalm 37:3-4 Trust in the Lord and do good, dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.

I love the verse I just wrote --one of my favorites. I am trusting the Lord through all of this. My desire is to please the Lord. Not sure why He wants me here in the hospital but I am trusting Him for he knows what is best for me. My desire would be to go home. lol. The doctor today said he wants me to stay until he feels that I have good blood flow to my arm and that the blood clot isn't going to dislodge. He said I might have to stay even until Sat!!!. It's only Wednesday and I am quite bored and just tired of sitting around. It's not the vacation I have dreamed of!!! lol. The doctor came in as I was fixing my hair and sure enough, it seems when I shower and then fix my hair, my arm turns bluish. If I just get up and walk around, it doesn't turn bluish. Something to do when I raise my arm up. Ummmmmm. I am hoping that the beautician is able to come up today and cut my hair. I enjoyed the visitors I had yesterday and am looking forward to some today. My daughter and youngest son are coming up to eat lunch with me as well as my hubby. Sarah has really been good about helping out, taking it upon herself to get the boys where they need to go (when she's not working) and being sure they do what they are suppose to be doing. I think she forgets that they too are teens and can look after themselves. lol. I hear that my cats are missing me --ahhh , how sweet. A friend, Marnie, brought me some books to read so I am reading one called "Same kind of different As me"--about a rich white man and a homeless black man becoming friends. Very good. It's a true story too that happened here in Texas. Cool. Thanks again for your prayers. Love you all......

Psalm 32:20-21 We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and shield. In Him our hearts rejoice for we trust in His holy name.

ER Visit

Psalm 56:3-4 When I am afraid I will trust in you, In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me?

I have encountered a new bump or obstacle in my journey through this time with cancer. But God is with me and together, we will get through this new problem . On Sunday, my youngest son noticed that my right arm was redder than the left, but I just dismissed it and told him that it's okay. On Monday, I was actually gardening--planting some flowers I had started by seed and pullling up weeds when I noticed that my right arm and shoulder was really hurting me. I hadn't had pain and wasn't sure why I was having the pain now. Then Sarah noticed that my arm was more swollen and I noticed that it was purplish-not a good sign. I called the onocologist but they were out of the office--duh, of course, holiday. So I called the dr. on call and he said to go to the ER which I did. Sarah was the only one home (my guys were out golfing) so she took me in. It tunrs out that I have a blood clot in my right subclavin vein (vein near the collar bone) and it's behind my port. So, they gave me a shot in the belly--ouch, and oh, did it sting. I'm also on Coumadin, an oral blood thinner which I will probably be on until the port comes out (maybe August 2010). Most hospitals have their patients stay in the hospital for 7 days to regulate the dosage of Coumadin but luckily, in our town, we have an outpatient Coumadin clinic so I will probably stay in the hospital for 3 days then go to the outpatient clinic. I don't really feel that bad so it's going to be boring staying in the hospital plus having my kids at home without me (I'm sure they are loving it). Another bad thing about being on Coumadin, there are certain foods you can't eat like things that have Vit. K because then it would make Coumadin ineffective such as broccoli, spinach, cauliflower,etc which are things I like and we eat alot of . My kids think they are going to get out of eating those things, but alas, they won't--lol A nutritionist is to come up to go over what I can and can't eat. I hope she can help me with my cancer stuff too for I was already up in arms about having to change my diet due to chemo--no raw fruits and vegs. By the way, the hospital food here isn't that great. At least I can have my computer here--Praise God. Anyway, this morning as I was reading my Bible and praying, it just hit me what I am going through and I started to cry for a moment. God was here to pick me up and get me on my way again. I will be okay. The doctor said that this blood clot isn't life threathening since it shouldn't dislodge from behind the port but the nurses do keep asking me if I get short of breath which I haven't experienced but whenever I get up for even a short bit, my right arm turns purple and hurts. After showering, it really was purple. I'm not on bedrest but I stay in it most of the time. Thanks for your prayers and concerns. It's just a little bump and then I'll be back on my way.

Pslam 41:3 The Lord will sustain him on his sick bed and restore him from his bed of illness.

Much better!!!!

Psalm 36:5-7 Your love , O Lord, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies, your righteousness is like the mighty mountains, your justice like the great deep, O Lord, your preserve both man and beast. How priceless is your unfailing love!! Both high and low among men find refuge in the shadow of your wings.

I am praising God for I am finally feeling almost normal again!!!! This morning I didn't feel so well, felt like I had indigestion. Tried rolaids but didn't help. I just kept myself eating here and there and finally this evening, I realized that the stomach pain was gone. I ate my first real meal since chemo--in small amounts (ate some brisket--oh, Marnie, it was delicious). I did some housework but rested in between chores. I wanted to take a walk but it was thundering so just walked around in the yard. I'm not too tired like I thought I might be but starting to get tired now. I am so happy!!!! Isn't it something that we can feel so thankful and joyous over something small like being able to eat a whole meal without getting sick . lol. Your prayers are working!!!!

Psalm 32:20-21 We wait in hope for the Lord; He is our help and shield. In Him our hearts rejoice for we trust in His holy name.

Chemo Day 4

Philippians 4:13 I can do everything through Him who gives me strength.

Slowly but surely I am feeling better. Yesterday, I woke up ready to tackle the world so ate cereal, set up the sprinkler to water the yard then showered. By the time I was showered, I was nauseated, weak, and tired. Back to bed I went and slept on and off until 2 pm. I had no appetite so ate very little. I have lost weight but probably will gain it back once I start eating again. lol. In the evening, when my family was heating up dinner, the smell of meat made me sick. It was awful. Even today when kids were heating up pizza, the smell of the pepperoni made me nauseated but at least I didn't get sick. Today I decided it was time to get of the bed for a while but taking things slowly. I'm not really nauseated and starting to eat a little--pudding for snack and ate scrambled eggs for lunch (need some protein but not ready for meat). Sarah took the boys to see a play that was being performed so that gave me time to myself. I did some laundry--had to wash everything I wore or used since chemo separately from everyone else--even washed my sheets. Mainly I just relaxed in front of the TV and watched 'I Love Lucy' which made me laugh which I needed!!! It is now early afternoon and I'm back in the bed and plan to nap some and just rest. I feel weak. I also have this awful metallic taste in my mouth which is common after taking chemo. That just started today--I thought maybe I got out of that one. Yesterday, some headcovers I had ordered came in. Still hard to believe that soon my hair will be gone. That is going to be hard on me. But by God's grace, He will give me the strength to get through it. I think I will look so awful.....well, my life is more important than my looks, right? I have to keep telling myself that. The headcovers are cute and soft. Thanks again for your prayers. Without them, this would be even rougher. God is carrying me through this journey. We all go through tough times and God will be with each one of us no matter what journey or path we are traveling on. God bless you all. Love and hugs to all.....

Psalm 41:3 The Lord will sustain him on his sickbed and restore him from his bed of illness.

Chemo Day 2

Psalm 34:6 This poor man (or woman) called, and the Lord heard him; He saved him out of all his troubles.

Oh, did I have to do some calling out to the Lord last night. I started out well after taking chemo which I wrote about yesterday but by 4:30 pm, I started to get nauseated. My stepmom came over for me to help her with her scrapbook then my dear friend, Marnie, came over with some dinner. By then, I wasn't feeling too well and got sick at 6 pm. I was nauseated the rest of the evening even though I took some medications and got sick again at 10 pm. While sitting at the toilet, I thought, why, oh, why did I have to do this? Then I remember that this is only temporary and I started calling out to the Lord to help me through this tough time. Had a restless night but this morning I am feeling some better. Slightly nauseated but have been taking my anti-nausea meds every 4 hours. It's helping better now. I am actaully starting to get hungry, but only eating soup, lemon Italian ice, etc. Trying to drink the amount of water I am to drink to get rid of the chemo out of my body but was hard to do this morning. I sure wanted to eat that delicious smelling dinner that Marnie brought over last night--my favorite, brisket--but Larry said he would freeze some for me to eat later. She brought me some gorgeous yellowish-orange roses too. I finally had the kids bring it to my bedroom so I could admire them since I've been in bed most of the day. Even though I've been in bed, I still got some homeschooling done with the boys--they just had to come to my bedroom. lol They thought they were going to get out of it. lol Thanks to all who have written, sent cards, called, and of course prayed for me. I appreciate every one of you. God is good and is helping me through this time. He is my refuge and strength. I will praise Him all the day long!!! Love you all--hugs!!!

Psalm 34:19 A righteous man may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all.

Chemo Day 1

James 5:16 Therefore, confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.

Thank you, thank you so much for your prayers. I could really feel them. I slept pretty well which is good and was doing great this morning until about 1 1/2 hours before time to leave. All of the sudden, my stomach was full of butterflies. I was surprised and to really had to lean on the Lord during that time. I had a good quiet time this morning and did great but I needed some extra God time. The kids were bickering and things just weren't going well which just made me tense or maybe I was tense and they could pick up on it. The one day that I really needed them to be great, was not happening. Isn't that the way it is. lol. I got a little snappy too which is not what I wanted but finally we all left. Sarah took me and we dropped the boys off to play golf while I had chemo. I had to see the doctor first and my blood pressure was higher than normal--I was still nervous even though I felt better. Found out that my blood tests were pretty good--slightly low on hemoglobin count but I usually am anyway. The echocardiogram was fine. After my visit with him, we went to the chemo room. I chose a chair across from a salt water fish aquarium which had some beautiful fish in it. They first gave me some Zofran and Decadron which is to help prevent nausea/vomiting. Then they gave me the first chemo drug which is red, Atriamycin. Then they gave me Cytoxan which took about 1 1/2 hours to run in. Larry couldn't get my computer to work for quite a while and when it was working, then I had visitors but I'm happy to have the visitors--my neighbor/friend, Michelle , who brought me a sonic drink--yummy--thanks Michelle. Then my mother-in-law came to visit too. I never felt nauseated or anything during the treatment. I was surprised. I heard that there might be a metallic taste but didn't have that either. I ate a sandwich which they provided and applesauce with ginger snaps which I brought. I am a bit tired now but I am tired sometimes at this time of day anyway. I have anti nausea medication that I am to take whether I feel good or bad for the next two days. I have to keep my clothes separate from my family's and they can't use the same toilet as I do for the next 3 days!! That's so they won't get any toxic chemicals on them. Well, I thank you all for your prayers and I am praying that I will continue to feel good. Love you all......

Proverbs 15:29b But He hears the prayers of the righteous.

Wig Party

Ephesians 3:20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever.

I have been busy the past couple of days preparing for the days following chemo (which is tomorrow). I cleaned house yesterday and today I bought hay & feed for the horses, got my youngest son's hair cut, watered the indoor & ourdoor plants, and finished cleaning plus went to find wigs and head coverings. I called the American Cancer Society and it turns out they have a room with drawers full of wigs and shelves full of hats, scarves, headcoverings. My friend, Marnie, and my 19 year old daughter, Sarah , went with me. We had so much fun trying on wigs. Sarah has experience with wigs from being involved with the theatre (she's a drama major) so she taught us how to put on wigs, etc. We took pictures and just acted silly at times. They made this a fun time for me. I got 3 wigs which are all short hairstyles and blonde. They need to be styled. One has long bangs and the other two have short bangs. We decided that I don't really look all that great in curly hair so the wigs are wavy but not too curly. I found 10 headcoverings of different styles and colors. The Cancer Society have a program called "Look good....Feel better" where they style the wigs and teach you how to use cosmetics to make you feel better about yourself and your new look. I have the name of the person who does this which she does on a one-on-one basis. My friend knows her and said she is really nice so that is helpful. I will call tomorrow morning before I leave for chemo to set up an appt. next week to have my session. I had fun modeling my wigs for my family--it was funny to see their expressions for the wigs aren't really styled yet so they do look funky. hahaha I did find out that I may not be able to donate my hair to 'locks of love' since I'll have chemicals in my hair due to the chemo. I wasn't going to cut it until next week. Oh, well.......now I don't have to cut off so much at one time. The lady at the cancer office suggested we have a shaving party once my hair starts falling out, I'll have to consider it. Okay, tomorrow is the big day for me. My husband was able to get off work at 9:30 so he'll meet me at the dr's. office at 10 am. After I see the dr., I will go to the chemo room and get my chemo. I will have my computer with me so maybe I'll wirte then. Thanks for your prayers. I was nervous this morning but have been busy so really have not had time to think about it but night time is coming--I pray I sleep well tonight. Love you all.....

Proverbs 17:17 A friend loves at all times....
Proverbs 17: 22 A cheerful heart is good medicine.......

Busy day

Psalm 27:1 The Lord is my light and my salvation-whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life--of whom shall I be afraid?

Today has been busy plus I had some up and down moments. My up moment was this morning when the whole family went to my husband's work picnic. I didn't really see many people I knew but it was fun just being together as a family( even my busy daughter came) and walking around looking at the lake (picnic was next to the lake) and being free to enjoy life. My busy moment was this afternoon when I decided to do a cooking marathon!! I made 5 meals--3 to freeze for my family to eat after I have chemo (2 meals will last 2 days so they are taken care for 5 days), one meal for this evening and one for tomorrow after church. I also have been craving pumpkin pie so made it and enjoyed it for dessert!!! Made homemade bread (4 small loaves) which I froze most of them for later. I was going to make some muffins with the leftover pumpkin but decided to make in the morning for breakfast. Whew, I was tired and my feet were hurting but sure felt good to accomplish something. My down moment was after I cooked, I was sitting out on the porch enjoying the cool breeze and listening to the birds when suddenly I felt teary-eyed and sad. I know that my life is about to change and how I dread what is about to happen. It lasted for about 4-5 minutes for then I felt God telling me to remember His Word that has been surrounding me for weeks now. I recalled several scriptures and my spirits were lifted. I didn't take time to have my quiet time this morning as I usually do, therefore, my guard was down. Oh, how important it is to surround myself in God's word. I need to remember to put on the armor of God daily so that I can fight Satan's arrows. He was trying to get me down but I won't let him. God is my refuge and strength and strong tower. I will cling to Him for He is with me through all of this and I have all of you who care and who encourage me too!!! Thanks for your prayers and encouraging words. There are several of you who I don't know personally who have encouraged me with sweet words. Thanks for sharing with me. And of course, there are you who I do know that have encouraged me too. I need encouragment and prayers to get me through this journey. Love you all..

Psalm 31:7 I will be glad and rejoice in your love, for you saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul.

Onocologist visit

Psalm 32:7 You are my hiding place, you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance.

Finally I got to see the onocologist and we have a plan for my life---at least for the next few years!!! It was a long day today for I saw the dr., had blood work done, echocardiogram done, chemo lesson, then ran some errands and grocery shop (I shop for 2 weeks worth so it's alot and takes time). Okay, you are wondering when do I start chemo and what will I be taking. I will start on Tuesday, May 19!!! Yes, that is just aournd the corner. Larry is really busy that day at work so Sarah, my daughter is going to take me and maybe bring me home too. Larry said he'll visit me during lunch and bring me something to eat. I go see the dr. at 10 am on Tuesday , he prescribes my dosage according to my bloodwork, then I walk across the hall to the chemo room to take chemo. The first treatment will last about 4 hours because they run the chemo in slowly to check for any allergic reactions to the chemo. After the first treatment, it should last about 2 hours. I will be taking Adriamycin and Cytoxan for 4 treatments, three weeks apart. Adriamycin will make me lose my hair for sure--so goodbye hair--:(, It's just hair and will grow back. Better to lose the hair than my life. After those 4 treatments, then I will be taking 4 treatments of Taxol for 3 weeks apart. I probably will start taking a medication called Herceptin when I start Taxol. Herceptin is given IV just as the others are, but I will be taking Herceptin for a year!!!! It doesn't have many side effects so my hair can grow back, etc. Herceptin and Adriamycin can both cause future heart problems so that is why I had an echocardiogram today then I will have one every 3 monthsl. If at any time they see some problems with my heart, the medication is stopped and I won't be restarting it. After the Herceptin, I will be put on a hormone drug called Arimidex for about 5-10 years. It is a pill--yea!!!! Each person is different on side effects but of course nausea is a very common one so they will be giving me anti-nausea meds IV before chemo and then pills to take at home. The other common ones are fatigue, sores in mouth, low blood counts, & diarrhea/constipation, So, we'll just have to see how I respond. I am praying that the side effects will be minimal and I will just breeze through this!!!! Or least have very little problems.....I will be having blood work done 10 days after chemo to see how low the blood count went down. He says it's good for it to go down some---show that it is working. After my appt. with the dr. , I went across the hall to the chemo room and talked to a nurse there who gave me tons of resources, etc. and talked to me about how it all works. There was a lady sitting in the chemo chair next to where I was sitting that was just getting started for her first chemo, so I eavesdropped a bit to see what the nurse was saying. I can take the computer with me so I will try to check on facebook, and maybe blog while I'm having chemo---cool. I can watch movies too or read, or have friends and family visit. They want it to be a positive environment and for you to feel as comfortable as possible. they provide hard candy right at the chairs and even share whatever people bring them (doughnuts, candy, etc) and I can bring whatever plus they have drinks, etc. I asked the dr. if I can still have sugar for I hear some say that you are not allowed sugar but he said it's fine as long as it is in moderation. They want us to eat as healthy as possible which I'm doing better at---just bought lots more fresh veg. and fruits plus cutting down red meat. This is getting long enough so I'll close for today. Thanks for your prayers. I am ready to start but of course, dread it too. Oh, well.....that is my lot in life for now. God is with me and will help me through all of this. Love you all.

Psalm 34:8 Taste and see that the Lord is good, blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him.

Preparations

Psalm 9:18 Those who know your name will trust in You, for You, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you.

It is two days before I see the onocologist to find out about chemo--what kind and when I start. I am ready to see him yet I get a little nervous. My life is about to change and I hate change. I hate starting new things at times, and since it's the unknown...it makes it harder. I have been reading and researching so that I will be better prepared but have these little silly questions like what does the chemo room look like, do I sit in a chair or a lie in a bed, what do I take with me, can I have people with me, can I eat, etc. Do they have classes like I hear about such as chemo class or the look better classes by the American Cancer Society. Then of course, I wonder about the side effects....I know each person is different so I wonder, what will I experience and what is going to help me through this (medications, etc). I dread going through chemo but know it's something that I need to do. I know that God is the one who is really going to help me through all of this. He promises to be with me and promises to protect me. I will trust in Him. I need to sit down and write down the questions I want to ask the dr. and the nurse. It really helped to have questions prepared when I visited with the radiation onocologist. I have all these questions in my mind but they need to be put down on paper. I am feeling better each day but still experience some pain when I overdo. I can't straighten out my right arm above my head but I can stretch it and use it to reach something. It's coming..... I'm trying to be good in eating better but I do love sweets. Sugar isn't good for cancer patients but God gave me such a sweet tooth!!! lol. I have cut down quite a bit in sweets (not that I was eating that much sweet stuff anyway) but I do crave it. I am trying to eat more fresh vegetables and fruit. I hear that asparagus is good for you and so will start eating that more. I have never cooked it but I do like eating it. No one else in my family really likes it. Well, keep praying for me. I will write again on Friday after I see the dr. My appt. is at 9 am. Larry is going along. He also plans to go with me to my first chemo treatment. His work has been so supportive and lets him off without any problems. I have recruited a friend to go with me when I go wig shopping. That should be fun. I have looked at short wig hairstyles. I don't really like short hair but maybe it would be a good idea to have a short hairstyle so that when my hair starts to grow back, I can quit wearing the wig and people will be used to me in short hair. Thanks to all of you for your encouragement--I love you.

Psalm 34:4 I sought the Lord and He answered me, He delivered me from all my fears.

Pleural effusion fluid results

Psalm 147:1,3 Praise the Lord! How good it is to sing praises to our God, how pleasant and fitting to praise Him! He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds!!

I am singing praises today to our Lord!!! The doctor's office called and said that the fluid results are in and it's benign--no cancer!!!! How I rejoiced when I heard the good news. I needed to hear some good news!!! They didn't say why it was there but I don't care, as long as it is not cancer. I am having a good day today physically too. I've been up and doing laundry, doing some cleaning, and cooking, etc. It feels good to be up and about, doing the motherly things I am suppose to be doing. :) I haven't had any pain medications since last night and I really don't feel bad. I don't have full use of my right shoulder area yet but it's better and I am using it. The nerve pain on the left side has lessen too so all in all, I feel better. Now I just have to wait until Friday when I see the onocologist to see what kind of chemo I'll be taking and when it starts. Thanks for all of your prayers. I hope all of you moms had a wonderful day yesterday. Mine was relaxing.....and I went to church even though it tired me out a little. Love you all. Rejoice with me!!!

Psalm 145:2-3 Every day I will praise you and extol your name for ever and ever. Great is the Lord and most worthy of praise; his greatness no one can fathom.

2nd post op day

Psalm 121:1 I lift up my eyes to the hills--where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip--he who watches over you will not slumber. The Lord will keep you from all harm, he will watch over our life!!

I praise God that He does watch over me every day. I know He cares about even the little things in our lives. Today is a good day for me. I got to take off my dressing and finally take a shower--oh, it felt so good. Amazes me how much betadine they use and the areas of my body that is covered with it. I think we got most of it off now. Yea!!! I got up and watered all my plants--inside and outside. I straightened up the kitchen but don't worry, I'm mostly sitting around resting. It's hard...I have to admit when I see that the kitchen could use a sweeping and mopping, etc. My boys are working and daughter is gone most of the time. Larry has been busy trying to fix up Sarah's computer that crashed yesterday. Oh, that reminds me. Larry bought me a laptop so I can use the computer on these days when I don't feel like sitting at the computer desk. I am enjoying it. Thanks my dear hubby!!! I was able to sleep in my bed last night. I am just using tylenol to help out with pain. It's not much but it is hard to bring my right arm to my left arm or to raise it up. It will get better..... I didn't hear from the doctor yesterday about the fluid from lung so hoping to hear on Monday. Christopher cooked dinner for me last night--did a good job. Brandon plans to do it tonight. God is good to me that my boys enjoy cooking!!! I am able to eat whatever now-- no more nausea. Thanks for your prayers.

Psalm 139:14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful.

post-op day1

II Kings 20:5 I have heard your prayer and seen your tears; I will heal you!

I had the port-a-cath inserted yesterday and all went well. We decided to go ahead and do it under general anesthesia even though I could have been just sedated but the surgeon prefers that way so that I would be absolutely still and it's such a short procedure that I wouldn't need much medication nor did I have the intubation tube put down my throat. All went well and the port is in place. Yea!!! Now they will be able to use it for chemo and lab can draw blood from it. Too bad they couldn't have used it yesterday for after surgery they went ahead and drained the fluid from the lung lining. I had to have some blood work first and the lab tech stuck me 4 times!!! I was stuck twice for the IV prior to surgery. They can only use my right arm for needle sticks since I had the axillary nodes biopsied a few weeks ago. After I recovered some from day surgery which went well at first, then they took me down to radiology for the fluid drainage (thoracentesis). I got sick and vomited on the way down (I had a basin with me to throw up in). I think the Morphine they gave me for pain made me sick. They drained 450 cc (almost half a liter) of fluid from my left lung lining. It will be tested and I should hear by Monday what it is. I am praying that it's not cancer. I feel better now on the left side. I've been having pain there but I contributed it nerve damage pain. The pain is less so maybe some of that pain was from the fluid. My lungs tolerated the procedure well and there were no complications. Praise God!!! As I sat up after the procedure, I threw up quite a bit!!! Poor techs and nurse but they were good and supportive. Finally went home around 5 pm. Just laid in the recyliner chair all evening and night and today!!! I felt some nausea off and on but never vomited again. Have eaten some but not much. I really don't like the pain meds so wanted only tylenol (can't have Ibruprofen for 24 hours) but we couldn't find any Tylenol in our house. Larry went to town today and bought some so finally got some at 3 pm. I don't hurt much when just sitting here but when I get up, oh, does it hurt. I'm sure it will be better tomorrow. It's not worse than the lumpectomy as I heard that it might be. I will be able to take off the dressing tomorrow and shower. Did take a little sponge bath and got most of the betadine stuff off--boy, that felt good, however, I was some dizziness being up which made me nauseated too. I was quite cranky with my family today (tired and in pain). I wanted the laptop computer (my daughter's) but my husband started downloading stuff which took forever. I was an unhappy camper--had to apologize to everyone. I need to be more patient and kind. :) Thanks for your prayers. I had such peace going into surgery--my blood pressure was even down!!! :) By the time I had the throacentesis, my blood pressure was high but probably due to pain. I'm okay now. Love you all.

Colossians 3:15-17 Let the peace of God rule in your hearts....and be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom and as you sing psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God.

Surgery on Thursday & CT scan results

Psalm 46:1-2 God is our refuge and strength, an ever present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea.

Tomorrow I am having surgery to have a port-a -cath placement. It should be a quick and simple procedure. I talked to the dr. today about it and asked if I could just have sedative instead of genearl anesthesia and he said probably but I will be talking to the anesthesiologist in the morning and we can discuss it then. I am not worried about the surgery--have peace about it. It's a busy day for my boys but I think we have transportation all worked out for them to go to their various activities. The dr. called me this evening and told me that the CT scan showed that I have fluid in my lung lining and he wants to drain it to have the fluid tested. He doesn't know if that happened during my lumpectomy surgery since that node was next to the lung lining or something else. He asked if I had pain but I don't except for that one day a few days after surgery when I got the chest X-ray to check it out. I have no shortness of breath or any symptoms. The bad thing is that he didn't have time to get it set up to have the fluid drained while in surgery--have to do it in radiology with a CT Scan. So, probably will have to go back to the hospital on Friday. I am trying not to be worried about this but I am concerned and praying that it has nothing to do with cancer. Pray along with me. I am really tired today but just think...I can sleep all day tomorrow!!!! Love you all!!! Thanks for your prayers!!! I know that God is in complete control and He already knows why that fluid is there and what it is. I will just trust in Him!!!

Isaiah 46:4 I am He, I am He who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you!!!!

Hair decision

I Peter 3:3-4 Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit which is of great worth in God's sight.

My husband and I are debating on what to do with my hair. More than likely, I will be losing it when I start chemo. I was wanting to cut it to my chin and then when it starts to fall out, shave it off. But my husband thinks I should go ahead and get most of cut off so I can donate my hair to 'Locks of Love' (organization that makes wigs out of real hair). I have donated hair before but my hair was much longer then whereas if I cut that much off now (10 inches), it will be really short. So, I said, if I cut it that short, might as well shave it then and start wearing a wig. He doesn't think I should have the beautician shave my head (not sure if he wants it shaved, but I do). I don't want a short hairdo then suddenly start wearing a wig with mid-length hair. I don't want people to really notice (people I hardly know) that there is something that much different. I don't want people to feel sorry for me...Such silly thoughts, I guess. Am I being vain? Well, still have time to consider what to do. I've been looking for wigs online but would like to look here in town first. Maybe I'll be lucky and get the chemo that you don't lose hair--wouldn't that be nice!!!! I'm feeling much better today--did a lot of work--probably over worked but there are things that needed to be done. I had to take advil for the nerve damage pain was hurting more than usual this evening but now it is feeling much better. Thanks to all who are praying. Love you. God is awesome for He cares even about the little things!!!!

James 1:5 If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives gernerously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.

X-rays and distractions

Hebrews 12:2 Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith....

Today I had a CT Scan of the abdomen and pelvis plus a bone scan. All went pretty well except when the lady started my IV for the dye injection, my blood squirted out so fast that it spilled onto my jeans. It was a mess and of course, you really can't clean up it so I had to walk around with this terrible wet, blood stained jeans. (I almost wore my beige jeans, praise God that I didn't). I did alot of waiting around and since I live 30 minutes away from the hospital, I just sat in my car in the hospital parking lot reading a Barbara Johnson book (she's so funny but serious too). I probably won't know x-ray results until I see the onocologist on May 15.
This morning during my quiet time with the Lord, I was reminded about Peter when he was walking on water. When he kept his eyes on Jesus, all was well but when he got distracted from the waves around him, he began to sink. I was like Peter yesterday. I was reading on breastcancer.org website on the discussion borads about port placements and chemo. After reading quite a few posts, I got anxious about the port placement for I thought it would be a simple procedure and the next day, I'll be up and running around again. Well, there is a possiblity that I will experience pain for a few days. (still having some pain on left side from muscle tightness). Then I saw some women mention a couple of chemos that the radiation dr. said I might be receiving and they said that one is usually given for a year and the other one is given for 5 years. I guess I thought that I will be given chemo for a few months and then it will all over and I will go on my merry way. Well, I did feel some anxiety which I've not really felt during this time. However, I was reminded of scriptures (they are all over my house-lol) that God is with me and He is in control. I, like Peter, took my eyes off Jesus and that is why I had the anxiety but now my eyes are focused back on Jesus and I am feeling that peace again. I am glad I read those posts so that if those things occur, I won't be so surprised. And whatever happens, so be it. I will do whatever it takes to be sure we get rid of any lurking cancer cells. God is in control and He has a plan for my life. Okay, God, you are in the driver's seat again.
I had another experience today that caught me off guard. I recieved a wonderful gift from a friend who lives near Washington DC. She sent me my first hat to wear when I lose my hair. It is a blue jean type and very cute--thanks Melissa!!! Anyway, I put up my hair and hid my bangs to see what I would look like and I suddenly got very teary eyed. Guess it just hit me that this is real and it's probably going to happen. I've been thinking about the loss of my hair alot to prepare myself but guess we are not always prepared like we think. I'm going to be fine--I know I will. Hope my family will be....I know they will be too. Love you all. Keep your eyes on Jesus no matter what circumstances you find yourself in.

Jeremiah 29:11 I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

Exercise

I Samuel 3:18 He is the Lord; let Him do what is good in His eyes.

I am feeling pretty well these days except the muscles around the left breast is still stiff. I am trying to remember to exercise my left arm frequently but I find myself keeping that arm near my side without even thinking. I took my step-mom to rehab (she had shoulder surgery the same day I had the lumpectomy) the other day and watched the kind of exercises she was doing. I am doing similar exercises. They made her do them for 5 minutes a piece except one which she had to do for 20 times. I haven't been exercising that much so I'm going to do better starting today. I try using that arm when I need to so that it helps. I took a 2 mile walk yesterday with my neighbor. I need to do that every day to build my strength. I keep reading that exercise is helpful during cancer treatments however, there hasn't been enough studies to prove it but we all know that exercise is good for us.
Last night I watched a movie on Hallmark about a woman with breast cancer. It was emotional and I cried alot (I cry easily when watching movies-lol). I could identify in so many ways and then it was good for me to see some of the things she did. I wish my family had watched it too but they didn't. I think it was called "Living Out Loud"
I have decided that I need to be a spokesperson for the breast MRI and I will start by writing a letter to my own gyn dr. who refused to let me have the breast MRI. ( Lucky for me that the surgeon ordered the MRI) Last night I wrote it out on paper so now I just need to type it up and send it out. If I can help other women in finding these intramammary lymph nodes that might have cancer, then my own fight will be worth it.
Tomorrow I go to the hospital to have a CT Scan of the abdomen and pelvis plus a bone scan. It will be an all morning thing. (boring too).

Jeremiah 32:26 I am the Lord, the God of all mankind. Is anything too hard for me?

Hot Flashes & shaving

Psalm 28:7 The Lord is my strength and my shield, my heart trusts in him and I am helped.

I am having hot flashes!!! I had a hysterectomy last summer so was put on estrogen. When I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I was taken off the estrogen right away. Well, I remember that I had taken some over-the-counter herbal stuff from Walmart to help with hot flashes before I had the hysterectomy so decided that I would do that again. But I didn't read what was in the herbal med--called Estroblend. Well, the dr. I saw yesterday told me that it probably had something in it that had similar properties as estrogen (sure enough--it has soy) so he told me I need to get off of it. Now, what am I going to do., lol.....guess I will just live with these hot flashes. I was having mild ones anyway so we'll see what happens. My kids think it's funny when I am cold then suddenly I yank the blankets off because I'm burning up!!!!
The other day I wrote saying that I couldn't shave under my left arm due to numbness. Well, since I had to see the dr. yesterday, I made myself finally shave anyway---are you happy now, Michelle? :) It wasn't too hard after all. Just feels weird.
My daughter came home last night real sad. I asked her what was troubling her. She's in a play right now in her college ( in fact, we are about to go watch her in an hour) and it turns out that another actress had lost her mom this past Christmas to breast cancer. The girl was crying since this was the first play her mom hasn't been to. Sarah wept with her and tried to comfort her and I guess it scared her. She asked me "how serious is your cancer?" I reassured her that many women survive breast cancer and I really feel that I'm going to be around for a long time. Just pray for her and my other children too that their faith will be strong too as we travel this road together as a family. My boys are home with me alot so hear me talk about my faith and what is going on so they seem okay but my daughter is gone and so busy so she's not around to get that reassurance. God is good and will help my family too. I pray that they all have the peace that only God can give!!! Love you all. Thanks again for your prayers.

Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of waht we do not see.